New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
be right there i have to get my cape
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
