i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
