I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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