Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
