The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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