party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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