i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
