I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
