if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
