Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
