I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
