Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize