whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
you never un-have a 4some
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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