i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
