i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
