wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
