I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize