Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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