I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
