That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
