never play flip cup with pint glasses
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
