Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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