Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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