brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
3 2 1 whiskey
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
