You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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