So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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