I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
