The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
