hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
