Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
