I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You can't motorboat a personality
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
