Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
