nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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