I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
