If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
