Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
