I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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