she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
