you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I need to calm my uterus...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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