sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
