I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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