He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
