I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
