Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize