Im at strip club and am horny
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
