you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize