I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
