You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
