Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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