Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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