If that was your dad, he is hot
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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