Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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