mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
two words...techno handjob
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
