there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
