You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
