I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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