I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
