and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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