I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
