why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
